Monday 23 April 2012

Game Changer Needed: Delusional Men, Flaw-Accepting Women

My recent watching of the movie Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man based on the book by Steve Harvey inspired this post.

This is not a movie review. I have yet to read the book (which should be arriving sometime this week) so it is not a comparison. Instead this post is about the reactions mostly to the content.

(Some of) The male viewers: Highly delusional, still wanting to see themselves as a player for some reason - identified with the 'Player' or the 'A**hole' (played by Chris Brown). This could be due to their personal view of themselves as being "such great finds that are so hard to get these days that any woman who has a problem with them could just leave and they would be fine" and that they are "such a great find that even though they may have flaws, those flaws should be overlooked because they were such great finds". According to them a great find is a man who looks good and can still be loyal to a woman (or two women).
This is some tautological b.s., if someone was such a great find why would scores of women rather leave than stay with them. Time to change right? Wrong!

Apparently men don't change, or at least they don't change if women want them to change, but there is the slight possibility that they will change if they themselves see a reason or rather "require" themselves to change. To get to that kind of thinking, God help us all and may patience be forever in your favour.

Reactions: Males versus Females.
I went to watch this movie with a group of individuals made up of 3 guys and 3 girls. I was surprised to see that there was a line up for this movie, but more surprised to see the number of guys in line! (I secretly wondered if they had also read the book - maybe Harvey and this movie were giving them insight on how men are perceived and therefore giving them a better understanding of themselves OR maybe the guys in line were curious as to why they (like many women these days) were unable to keep a partner).

Coming out of the theatre, I heard the following (said by a group of males):
"We wrote that playbook."
"I wrote that script. The book that the movie is based on was written by me."
"I'm the guy that takes your coffee and runs."
"Any woman with a 90-day rule, I'm kicking to the curb."
"This movie gives women a bit too much information."

Now on hearing/reading the above quotes you may think that these guys are real idiots, they can be. But more importantly, they are delusional! These statements were proof that the men...I should really call them boys...felt that they already knew everything on how women think, how men think, what women want, and what men want. Yet they all share the current relationship status of "single" or "it's complicated".

These reactions made me realize that men too are damaged - emotionally, mentally, etc. They too put up defensive walls and convince themselves that they do not have to change for any woman. Therefore even when a 'good girl' comes along, the trials and tribulations of a relationship ensue causing disaster to follow, reaffirming that no woman is worth changing for (men) and that all men are a**holes that will never grow up (women).

What is the solution to this: I'm not even sure. While relationships are a trial and error to some extent, they also need to be realistic. I'm all for honest communication, that way people are open about what they want (relationship vs. a hit and run a.k.a. "the cookie"). This way both parties know what they are in for. Second, is a conversation that should be had the first month in - what are your goals, as in where is this going. Once again it puts both parties in check to see if this is worth pursuing. Once both stages are done/passed the time has arrived for commitment. Consistent check-ins with each other can only help keep the realtionship real.

There should also be a disclaimer: that before the start of stage one all past and previous baggage is in the past and dealt with.

Honest communication needs to be seen as a macho-thing, along with loyalty. It should be that "a real man can keep a relationship" instead of "a real man runs from commitment". And since the importance of the macho-thing shows no sign of leaving, women need to find different ways to reaffirm their man's macho-ism (in a smart way, please), rather than the man go out and look for it.

Females: there are some women who state that it's hard to keep up with something like a 90-day rule because no man would put up with that. Some say that women too have needs and so give in. But maybe the more you analyze him the power of that kiss decreases, allowing you to hold out longer. Do a pros and cons list, realize what you're signing in for. Many women feel that it is so hard to find a good man these days, they will put up with whatever b.s. from the current man in order to keep him. Afraid of being alone also causes women to put up with things they would previously never allow. Used to being neglected or un-pampered by her partner a woman can fall back in love all over again with just a goodnight kiss or one night of attention. Little things have become more valuable now because women are not used to getting even those small hints of care and concern. None of this is fair.

It's funny how men keep thinking that they can find better in a woman but woman fear that they (women) will and can only find worse.

Also it's funny how relationship advice is easy to give but almost impossible to accept and act on.

At the end of the day I find that group conversations about relationships that involve real talk between men and women can help both sides see the other's perspectives - this is your support group, built it. But since not everyone matures at the same time, in the words of Harvey it may actually be time to "change the game".

*Not all men and women think the same way, this post is representative of the "few" that I know.

Thursday 19 April 2012

What happened to KONY fever?

The KONY2012 video first made its way to our computer screens and twitter feeds in March of 2012, the video went viral and almost everyone discovered the raging activist inside of them.

About a month later the sequel was released and it garnered about 2% of the audience that the first video achieved.

So... what happened to KONY fever?

Tomorrow is April 20th, 2012 the night during which the whole city was supposed to be 'painted' red - covered in KONY posters in order to raise awareness of the need to capture KONY. #coverthenight

No doubt many people in March wanted to be part of this movement in April as can be seen by the number of kits bought and the number of people who posted the link to the video. Back then I surely thought that it was going to be a sea of red on Friday April 20th. However, now I'm not so sure. I've heard many say that they bought into the video, purchased the kit, and then did some research and decided to opt out of the movement.

The campaign showed us two important things:
Young people have a desire to be part of a movement
There are indeed injustices that exist in various parts of the world (if not all parts of the world)
Social media is an amazing form of information transfer

There were/are many criticisms to the KONY video from the use of myths/stretched facts, footage that was past due, KONY not being an issue in said country, catering to a specific audience, not exposing the real needs of the Ugandan people, and the focus of Kony in Uganda being a way to get foreign troops onto Ugandan soil in order to secure their hold over Ugandan resources. 

The viral video caused people to gather together and the criticisms created cracks in that unification. Criticisms of course are necessary as many are unaware of what they are buying into and many these days need to be told of the criticisms as they will not research into issues themselves.

However whether or not KONY should be a priority, the issue of the use of child soldiers continues to exist and something needs to be done about it. What is the right way to go about this is still not known but that does not mean that the matter should return to the backburner.

I'm curious to see what the turnout tomorrow will be; will people gather in numbers that could have been expected had the video been released more recently? Will they want to be part of a movement, part of something bigger encourage young people to gather? Or has the spark truly burned out and has KONY fever forever ceased to exist? Only tomorrow will tell...

It also got me thinking, what would be the reaction if another video, similar to that of Invisible Children was created about another all together separate issue in a different part of the world, would the audience react similarly to KONY2012 giving rise to their inner activist or will people here on forth think twice before endorsing such a video again? What does that mean for other real issues that exist out there?

Monday 16 April 2012

Burlesque - newbie style

"You are invited to a 24th Burlesque Birthday - dressing up mandatory"

On receiving an invite like the above a woman feels both excited yet nervous - "Oh it's going to be so much fun to dress up" but "will I be able to pull of a burlesque outfit?"

What is burlesque?
At first mention of the term burlesque, images of Moulin Rouge come to mind - the corsets, feathers, stockings, garter belts, gloves... And while it would most definitely seem like fun to wear one of these outfit, they also give cause to any woman to be at least a little self-conscious.

bur·lesque
[ber-lesk]  noun, adjective, verb, bur·lesqued, bur·lesquing.
1. an artistic composition, literary or dramatic, that, for the sake of laughter,
vulgarizes lofty material or treats ordinary material with mock dignity.
2. any ludicrous parody or grotesque caricature.
3. a humorous and provocative stage show featuring slapstick humor,
comic skits, bawdy songs, striptease acts, and a scantily clad female chorus.

Burlesque is an art form, yes quite frequently a seductive art form that is made to entertain. While popular in the 1840s it had regained it's centre-stage quality and is making a return into the mainstream.

Going to this party, as much as I wanted to dress up I still wanted to look classy. At first it was a little challenging for me to separate burlesque from lewd imagery, but as I looked at different pieces - the gloves, mask, rings, added to a performance piece, making it slightly glamourous, if I dare to say. Unwilling to wear just a lingerie set or something from a costume store, I decided to piece different clothing pieces from my own closet.

1. The corset look (pretty much every girl owns one or a strappy top that looks like a corset - the key here is a top with a fitted waist and chest enhancement capabilities)

2. A ruffled skirt or boy shorts (either one is most definitely owned by all women - if not, the all-purposeful mini skirt comes to the rescue)

3. Thigh highs (or fancy stockings though thigh highs are much more fun)

4. Gloves (these were the icing on my cake! the most fun to wear, they really made all the difference and made my outfit come together)

5. Black boots or black pumps (or red as some attendees wore)

6. RINGS - "put a ring on it" (over the gloves the addition of a sparkly ring added such elegance, I couldn't take my eyes off of my own hands - one had a bracelet on the outside of the glove and the other a ring)

7. Boa or mask or featherette or fascinator (take your pick, these are not mandatory but they do send your outfit over the top, guaranteeing you'll have a fun time and fit right in while standing out... in a good way)

All in all my first burlesque experience was so much fun. Of course all the other attendees dressing up added to the event and therefore eliminated my risk of taking the theme too seriously.

Part two of my burlesque experience would be to watch a show followed by taking a class on the moves.

Commonly thought of as lewd, burlesque does not have to mean something vulgar if done right, instead it is more of a performance. Of course there is fine line in how men will view a women dressed up burlesque style, but that is merely due to the clothing items such as a short skirt and a revealing top - but if that's the only reason people associate burlesque with something vulgar, go to the beach and take a look at a thousand people in wet underwear. This is why the addition of gloves and stockings and all that fun stuff makes it so much more than what would otherwise be a not-so-decent outfit.

Once you put together pieces that you are comfortable with the end result will no doubt be a fun burlesque-like outfit. If done right burlesque can indeed be a way to empower women and encourage them to embrace their sexuality and femininity. Because these are pieces that accentuate a women's body and are also pieces in which you yourself feel comfortable in you are more likely to feel confident in your outfit and be proud and glad to be a female as you look in the mirror and walk through the entrance ;)

xoxo
Enjoy!

Monday 9 April 2012

Easter: From Fasting to Feasting

This year for Easter was the first time that I decided to give up something and did so successfully for the 40 day duration. In addition, it was also the first time I gave up red meat and white meat (with the exception of fish). I also gave up chocolate.

This 40 day challenge while associated with the Catholic season of Lent was more so a lesson in self-control and will power. Making a conscious decision as an adult to stick by these forgo-ed items was much different than the politely forced forfeited items that children are made to undergo.

Completing this challenge was quite something, especially with it being the first attempt during the full 40 days of Lent. Also the process of giving up these food items was a relevant decision especially during the family meals, date nights, girls nights, and casual snacking at home. Each of these incidents drew my attention to these items and thereby to the self-control and will power that was hopefully developing.

Even though this might seem like a small task or sacrifice, it nonetheless does have some impact on the mind and one's reflection on their own abilities. It is quite satisfying and great to accomplishment a personal goal creating more opportunities to test oneself in the future.

It also created a more celebratory feel during the Easter season as one is able to indulge (hopefully with great personal restraint) in enjoy the items that were previously missed.



The Good Friday Fast that takes places from dawn to dusk on the Friday before Easter is usually the toughest challenge as many people attempt to not eat for the entire day. While this challenge is rarely ever accomplished by me, this year I had some great ammunition - family and significant others. Conscious group fasting has a greatly positive impact on each individuals involved. The distraction provided by the group members and the support and knowledge that you are not enduring hunger by yourself alone is quite comforting. Before I knew it the day was over.

However these minor challenges of Lenten fasting can get one thinking of how thankful we must be as individuals to enjoy the basic necessities of life and knowing that there is a definite light at the end of the tunnel (or in this case a turkey at the end of the table). And that we need to take the time to realize the hunger and famine and impoverished circumstances that exist in various parts of the world or even in our own backyards.

New personal challenge: donate to foodbanks.